I used to believe in love. I used to have endless of trust
and loyalty towards friendship or any relationship that I have with anyone. I
used to respect people. I used to believe in individuality and I used to accept
people just the way they are. I used to accept the fact that nobody is perfect
and everyone makes mistakes and that is cool because everybody is unique in
their own way. It makes life more, interesting. More delight. More colour. Not
just grey or black and white. The world is indeed a colorful place.
I used to believe in love and I used to trust people. I put
my trust one thousand per cent on someone and as usual, things happened.
Someone came up to you, you gave them your whole heart, you trust that person
and you love them but it takes a second for that person to destroy you. They
broke your heart. They betrayed you. They told you not to harm you or break you
but look what happened after you wholeheartedly gave your 'life' to someone.
You have changed. Your perspective towards life is not the
same anymore. You do not see that colour anymore. Your heart shattered, broken
into pieces. A person can really change your life, huh?
You thought you were cool, telling yourself every day that
you can get through this and it is just another heart gets broken and you can
fix it and it will get better and time will tell and all that stuff you have
been telling yourself, for like, years now?
Nope. Time will not tell. No, you cannot fix a broken heart.
You are not cool or over anything. Apparently, you became someone else. You
became, a person who does not believe in love or trust or relationship and you
do not feel anything anymore, you heart becomes numb and that what is called
as, heartless.
Believe it or not, it makes you to feel nothing. It is not
that you are over the heartache, but your heart is not there anymore
(remember?) and there is nothing in you. Trust me, absolutely nothing. Then you
started to act differently, you became all happy or too sad (depending on how
you want it to be), but you are not you. Once you try so hard to feel something
again, no matter how much money you spent on something, you do not feel content.
No matter how many friends you have or how many nights you went out to hang out
with your friends, no matter how far you travelled, no matter how many person
you have met, how many cigarettes you smoked or things like that, no matter how
hard you try to overcome it and to make you feel happy and content again, you
do not feel the same anymore. You somehow feel, empty.
There is nothing in you.
Once you realized that, you have the tendency to avoid
yourself from people. Avoid yourself from all dramas and heartaches that you
think you might encounter again in the future, with new people, maybe. You tend
to push people away. They got closed to you and you were okay with it at first
then your brain tells you to stop with whatever you are doing and you have your
empty heart to support you with all the evidence (from what happened in the
past) and your brain keeps pushing you to stop! Stop getting close to people
because they will hurt you and they will break you and what more do you want
after you lost all of your feelings?
Your brain and your heart tell you that rejecting people is
much easier than having to face the real problems out there. It is much easier
than getting hurt again. It makes you a coward, you become afraid of people
letting you down again, breaking your heart all over again and you are too scared
to face it, to deal with real issues and instead you just keep pushing people
away from you before they push you first.
You are not bored of people but you are just tired of being
the only one who is giving endless of effort to save the friendship or
relationship so you tend to give up easily because it is just very tiring to be
the only one who appreciates the bond.
Maybe next time in the future, you should just let them be
and accept them just the way they are without trying to change them at all. But
at times, the smallest space in your head will tell you not to let people to be
themselves because it is just too foolish to live with it. But the better idea
is that maybe you could change it by telling yourself, “See the flaws and
faults in you first. Stop trying to change people because for heaven’s sake,
they can never change. They will not change for you.” If you have the urge to
be different than them all and to improve, just focus on improving yourself.
Stop fixing other people. That is not your job. But all you can help is by
giving an advice or two, and then it is up to them to decide whether or not to
listen to you. You do not have the rights to force people to change or start
improving themselves and all that. If they want to, it is good then, and you
just lead or guide them if you think you know any better than the rest of them.
But if they insist on staying at the same spot, let them be. It is certainly
not your job to fix them. God does not pay you to change people, but change
yourself first, then only the good people who can see you, will take you as an
example. As an idol. Or a role model. Or anything that you want them to call you.
People will eventually break you. They can say you things, with the intention to hurt you. People will let you down, but it takes a courageous heart and an open-minded head to face with all risks that is going to bump into you. This is life. It is a bumpy road indeed but in the end, you know how far you have achieved by how many dramas and people you dealt with. It makes you a better person. It makes you more mature.
So do not be afraid. Take the risk. It is better to get hurt than die of being alone and everyone hates you because you pushed them so hard that they will end up calling you, a heartless bish.
As for now, from this very tiny, empty heart and head of
mine, I am truly sorry for pushing people too hard to be the best version of them
and I am truly sorry for pushing people away too. I have no bad intentions at
all, did not mean to do all that, swear to God.
This is based on my personal experience.
I do not have to
prove anything to anybody but this is for everyone that knows me, whoever you
are, friends or you might call yourself as my enemy (I don’t know, maybe?), I
am sorry for acting like a super-douche, sorry for what I have done towards
you, sorry for pushing you away and rejecting you or throwing you all away,
treat you like yesterday’s trash or anything like that, sorry for trying to fix
you and sorry for not being supportive or a great friend that you hoped I would
be, and also I am sorry for not accepting you for who you are instead I defy everything
whatever that you are and instead I want you to be what I want you to be. I
realize it now, and I should stop doing that to all of you.
From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.
Malina Azman, x
