What's up with you, heartless bish?

I used to believe in love. I used to have endless of trust and loyalty towards friendship or any relationship that I have with anyone. I used to respect people. I used to believe in individuality and I used to accept people just the way they are. I used to accept the fact that nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes and that is cool because everybody is unique in their own way. It makes life more, interesting. More delight. More colour. Not just grey or black and white. The world is indeed a colorful place.

I used to believe in love and I used to trust people. I put my trust one thousand per cent on someone and as usual, things happened. Someone came up to you, you gave them your whole heart, you trust that person and you love them but it takes a second for that person to destroy you. They broke your heart. They betrayed you. They told you not to harm you or break you but look what happened after you wholeheartedly gave your 'life' to someone.

You have changed. Your perspective towards life is not the same anymore. You do not see that colour anymore. Your heart shattered, broken into pieces. A person can really change your life, huh?

You thought you were cool, telling yourself every day that you can get through this and it is just another heart gets broken and you can fix it and it will get better and time will tell and all that stuff you have been telling yourself, for like, years now?

Nope. Time will not tell. No, you cannot fix a broken heart. You are not cool or over anything. Apparently, you became someone else. You became, a person who does not believe in love or trust or relationship and you do not feel anything anymore, you heart becomes numb and that what is called as, heartless.

Believe it or not, it makes you to feel nothing. It is not that you are over the heartache, but your heart is not there anymore (remember?) and there is nothing in you. Trust me, absolutely nothing. Then you started to act differently, you became all happy or too sad (depending on how you want it to be), but you are not you. Once you try so hard to feel something again, no matter how much money you spent on something, you do not feel content. No matter how many friends you have or how many nights you went out to hang out with your friends, no matter how far you travelled, no matter how many person you have met, how many cigarettes you smoked or things like that, no matter how hard you try to overcome it and to make you feel happy and content again, you do not feel the same anymore. You somehow feel, empty.

There is nothing in you.

Once you realized that, you have the tendency to avoid yourself from people. Avoid yourself from all dramas and heartaches that you think you might encounter again in the future, with new people, maybe. You tend to push people away. They got closed to you and you were okay with it at first then your brain tells you to stop with whatever you are doing and you have your empty heart to support you with all the evidence (from what happened in the past) and your brain keeps pushing you to stop! Stop getting close to people because they will hurt you and they will break you and what more do you want after you lost all of your feelings?

Your brain and your heart tell you that rejecting people is much easier than having to face the real problems out there. It is much easier than getting hurt again. It makes you a coward, you become afraid of people letting you down again, breaking your heart all over again and you are too scared to face it, to deal with real issues and instead you just keep pushing people away from you before they push you first.

You are not bored of people but you are just tired of being the only one who is giving endless of effort to save the friendship or relationship so you tend to give up easily because it is just very tiring to be the only one who appreciates the bond.

Maybe next time in the future, you should just let them be and accept them just the way they are without trying to change them at all. But at times, the smallest space in your head will tell you not to let people to be themselves because it is just too foolish to live with it. But the better idea is that maybe you could change it by telling yourself, “See the flaws and faults in you first. Stop trying to change people because for heaven’s sake, they can never change. They will not change for you.” If you have the urge to be different than them all and to improve, just focus on improving yourself. Stop fixing other people. That is not your job. But all you can help is by giving an advice or two, and then it is up to them to decide whether or not to listen to you. You do not have the rights to force people to change or start improving themselves and all that. If they want to, it is good then, and you just lead or guide them if you think you know any better than the rest of them. But if they insist on staying at the same spot, let them be. It is certainly not your job to fix them. God does not pay you to change people, but change yourself first, then only the good people who can see you, will take you as an example. As an idol. Or a role model. Or anything that you want them to call you.

People will eventually break you. They can say you things, with the intention to hurt you. People will let you down, but it takes a courageous heart and an open-minded head to face with all risks that is going to bump into you. This is life. It is a bumpy road indeed but in the end, you know how far you have achieved by how many dramas and people you dealt with. It makes you a better person. It makes you more mature.

So do not be afraid. Take the risk. It is better to get hurt than die of being alone and everyone hates you because you pushed them so hard that they will end up calling you, a heartless bish.

As for now, from this very tiny, empty heart and head of mine, I am truly sorry for pushing people too hard to be the best version of them and I am truly sorry for pushing people away too. I have no bad intentions at all, did not mean to do all that, swear to God.

This is based on my personal experience.

I do not have to prove anything to anybody but this is for everyone that knows me, whoever you are, friends or you might call yourself as my enemy (I don’t know, maybe?), I am sorry for acting like a super-douche, sorry for what I have done towards you, sorry for pushing you away and rejecting you or throwing you all away, treat you like yesterday’s trash or anything like that, sorry for trying to fix you and sorry for not being supportive or a great friend that you hoped I would be, and also I am sorry for not accepting you for who you are instead I defy everything whatever that you are and instead I want you to be what I want you to be. I realize it now, and I should stop doing that to all of you.

From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.

Malina Azman, x