Sunday, August 12, 2012

6 Nov 2011, 10:30pm


My name is Malina Azman, I am 21 years old and I am proud to say that I am now a hijabi! Yes, Alhamdulillah, I'm wearing a hijab now and InsyaAllah I won't ever live without it anymore. The reason why I posted this is to share with you my life, both joy and sorrow and how I ended up being a hijabi while I used to be the free-hair lady with all kinds of "exposed-clothes". I am not showing off, instead I want to share this happiness :)

Well, it started when I attended a lot of motivational camps and talks since I was a kid; A LOT and I regretted with what I did (at that moment) and all those crying-moment at every single motivational stuff. But after I went back home, less than a week, I go back to my old life, my life with those socializing, out at night with bunch of guy friends or boyfriend and without my scarfs on, wearing those mini clothes and all. Kem motivasi? Say what? It just DOES NOT WORK ON ME. So yeah, Mommy sent me off to here and there but still, I was still the "jahilliah" Malina.

I wore hijab back when I was in Doha, its because of that country asks every lady to cover their aurat. I wore hijab at school because ustazah asked us to wear it for Pendidikan Islam subject. I wore hijab for kenduri/funeral, because I want to respect the ceremony. I wore hijab in times I feel like it, its because of other people wore it too or maybe someone asks me to wear it. I never wear it for Allah! I never wear hijab for the sake of pleasing Allah. Astaghfirullah. Pleasing human being is the most difficult task ever, while pleasing Allah is the most easiest task to do (Y)

So how did I do it? Frankly speaking, I don't even know myself. Remember how I used to say that I wanted to wear hijab so bad but still I didn't do it and how I love to procrastinate or delayed things and tells you, "Soon, not now. Soon maybe, InsyaAllah". Well, my "soon" is now. I wore my first hijab on Nov 5th 2011 on Saturday. Alhamdulillah.

Well, it felt weird at first, you know with "benda lilit-lilit" my whole head and how I adore my hair so much and now I have to cover it? I had this one meaningful conversation with Mommy on that Friday night, a day before I decided to wear it.


Me: Mommy, I really love my hair. I'm afraid that if I wear it, I can't show my hair! My hair is my asset.

Mommy: If you love your hair, if you think that your hair is an asset, then you should cover it. Only certain people can see it. People that is halal to you and people that is special can only see that hair of yours.

Me: I know, but I would be so jealous/envy to see other people's hair, you know, perempuan rambut cantik with those dresses on and can wear anything. I'd sure be jealous of them!

Mommy: Pakai tudung tak semestinya tak boleh berlawa. You can wear anything too! But make sure tutup your aurat. That's all. Jealous? What for? This is only dunia, tak sampai 10% of akhirat pun. Cover it now. Akhirat nanti, you will get your reward.


Astaghfirullah'alazim. See, how jahilliah I was? Well, other than that conversation with Mommy, I had this awful feeling about every single thing. I still remember the night when Syue and I were so stressful and we decided to off to Unisel for some "memory-refreshments". LOL! Yeah, we did. We went there :D

I don't even know where to start. I got this feeling, terrible feeling of being so lonely. I have a lot of friends around me, but still that loneliness is killing me. So I took some time to re-evaluate things, "Muhasabah Diri" in Malay. I was thinking of the good and the bad and the pros and cons of my life. What I've been through before, what is happening right now and what is next.

I have everything. Almost, but literally, I do have EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I NEED. I need the love and affection from my family and friends, which I already have it. I have a perfect parents, I have a car to go anywhere I want (Well, it's my parents' but I can use it), I have money to buy things that I need/want (My parents' and they can provide me, Alhamdulillah), studying at one of the top-ranking university in Malaysia, I have nice and cozy home, phones, laptop, enough food supplies, enough with everything. I do have everything but why do I still feel that I am empty and so hollow inside?

It takes 3 weeks for me to get the answer. I am away from Allah.

Honestly and ashamedly, I have to admit that I can count of how many times I pray per week. Or maybe, in a month. I tend to skip solat, I took solat for granted and never think of the dosa I will get on akhirat. Masha'Allah. I wore pakaian yang tidak menutup aurat, never wear a hijab to cover my hair, always go out at night with guys. Astaghfirullah'alazim.

I know I am not perfect, will never be perfect since I'm just a human being but I want to try my best to improve myself, in every aspects of life. I want to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend for my friends, a good student, good entrepreneur (eyelashes), good with everything (trying to) and most of all, I want to be a good Muslimah. InsyaAllah. Every saint have their past, every sinner have a future.

Now I do believe that, hijab is the most powerful thing in the world. With hijab, you can automatically avoid yourself from maksiat and duniawi. Wearing hijab makes one Muslimah put an iron wall between Iman and desire :)

Islam is perfect. Masha'Allah. "Being a good Muslim attracts people to know more about Islam and realize how beautiful Islam is. It is the best way to do Da’awah."

May we be in Allah's blessings always, InsyaAllah :)

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